is this a better persuasive letter than my other?

  Dear, Mom and Dad i have asked alot for a horse, but i can take care of a horse ask me anything and i can tell you. I know how to clean the horses feet out, get all the dirt and avoid the frog (middle and most delicate part of the hoof and to also check for thrush or hoof rot) and i know how to brush the horse use the curry comb first and start on the left side at the top next i would use the mane or tail comb and take a section at a time because it could annoy the horse then i would use the body brush this is the brush mostly made for the legs since it is softer lastly for the brushes i would use the finishing brush to make the coat shine and then i would use a damp sponge to clean the eyes and if the farrier recommends it i would use the hoof oil to prevent cracking

and when it comes to saddles and bridles i have a good english tack set picked out and its only $ 150 for the saddle, bridle, girth, bit, Etc ... and i have the feed to a sweet feed mix for $ 9.99 and its a 50 pound bag and an average horse eats 1085 pounds a year so if you divide 1085 by 50 pounds it equals 21.7 and if you would have 21.7 multiply that by 12 months the equals 260.4 so that's about $ 260 and about the same with hay so if you add that that's about $ 520 for feed AND hay and its not that bad of a price and grandpa would get me some wood for a shelter and fence and i have riding experience and i would use wood shavings as bedding the horse would have a shelter/stall a shelter with a gate so that when he is not in his pasture he would stay in his stall and the same the other way around i already have a halter for the horse i don't care if its a Thoroughbred or a Grade horse or any breed of horse i would prefer a gelding because often mares are moody sometimes and stallions tend to be a hand full especially with other mares around and you and dad can also ride him and if i forget to clean out his pasture you can fine me $ 25

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so please take in mind that i am ready for a horse you said it yourself i know the most about horses for someone who doesn't own one so here is my letter mom.



Love, your daughter
Dear Mom and Dad,

I have often asked for a horse, but I can take care of a horse. Ask me anything, I can tell you the answer. I know how to clean the horse's hooves out, remove all the dirt, avoid the frog (the middle and most delicate part of the hoof), and also know how to check for thrush or hoof rot. I know how to brush the horse. Use the curry comb first and start on the upper left, next I would use the mane and tail comb and take a section at a time because it could bother the horse, then I would use the body brush, this is the brush mostly made for the legs since it is softer, lastly for the brushes I would use the finishing brush to make the coat shine , and then I would use a damp sponge to clean around the eyes. If the farrier recommends it, I would use hoof oil to prevent cracking.
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When it comes to tack, I have found a good english tack set, it's only $ 150 for the saddle, bridle, girth, bit, etc. I have chosen a sweet feed mix which costs $ 9.99 for a 50 pound bag. The average horse eats 1,085 pounds of feed a year, so if you divide 1,085 by 50 pounds it equals 21.7, then you would multiply that by 12 months, it equals 260.4.That 's about $ 260 per year which is about the same as hay, add the hay and it's about $ 520 for feed and hay. The price is not that bad. Grandpa would get me some wood for a shelter and fence and I would use wood shavings as bedding. The horse would have a shelter (stall) and a shelter with a gate so when he is not in his pasture he will stay in his stall and vice versa. I already have a halter for the horse and riding experience. I don't care if it's a Thoroughbred, a Grade Horse, or any other breed of horse. I would prefer a gelding because mares are often moody and stallions tend to be a handful especially with mares around. You and dad can also ride him. If I forget to clean out his pasture you can fine me $ 25.
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Please take into consideration that I am ready for a horse, you said it yourself. I know a lot about horses for someone who doesn't own one, so here is my letter mom.



Love,

your daughter. (Insert your name)



I fixed your grammar for you.





Problems with this letter:

~ A soft brush is to be used on the body, it removes loose dirt and dust.

~ Your sentence on brushes/grooming is incredibly long, you should try to break it into several shorter sentences.

~ In general, a $ 150 tack set is not of very good quality. The leather is usually cheap and wears down quickly. Also, you should list all the things included in the set to better inform your parents.

~ Your math does not quite make sense, you said the average horse eats 1,085 pounds of feed per year, divided that into 50 pound bags which should be a full year but you multiplied the total by 12? The multiplication was not necessary unless I ' ve misunderstood.

pets question and answers,www.5d2d.com



~ You should add in the math for the hay rather than asking them to simply trust you.